Are you starting to see the outline of the puzzle taking shape? When completed, the puzzle will reveal how we are negatively affected by guilt and resentment.

What are some other mental motivations that are influenced by guilt, resentment, and pain? How do these motivations contribute to the behaviors that plague us? Once you see how these work, it will be a lot easier to understand the different motivations for any major problem that you find yourself wrestling with . . . over and over again.

There are mechanisms you've developed to "survive your family." The core workings of them are behind the behaviors you have and don't like. The big three mechanisms are accommodation, rebellion, and mimicking. Once you understand why you've invited them into your life and made them so comfortable over the years, you'll start seeing that you can also ask them to leave. Once gone, the behaviors that seemed impossible to change will change.

Accommodation

What's another way of saying accommodation? Try this: placing your parent or sibling before you at your own expense. To maintain the important ties to our parents or siblings, to feel loved by them, we may accommodate to or comply with their reasonable expectations. That's okay, right? Sure, but what about accommodating or complying with their serious flaws and damaging expectations? Not as "okay," right? Too much accommodation causes us to ignore our own interests, goals, and destiny. If that were the case, why would we do this? Because their guilt-provoking words and deeds show us that they're hurt when we don't comply or accommodate.

Huh? Look at it like this: Say you become very obedient to a very controlling parent; you could easily become too submissive and you could quickly learn to squelch your own independent thinking. What happens if you don't comply? Usually, this kind of parent becomes agitated--he screams, she loses control, maybe they become violent. What does he scream? "You damn kid. You never listen. Do it now or I'm going to kill you!" Their insults, screaming, and other such behaviors are all clear evidence that your parents are fragile. You've wounded them. You've sent them right over the edge. So what's a nice, well-meaning kid supposed to do? How about limiting his or her normal sense of independence?

Accommodation or compliance is very likely to cause you to suffer profoundly if your submissive behavior continues for the rest of your life. You'll hate yourself for not asserting yourself and then you'll find that people close to you can't stand you for the very same reason. Maybe you'll try to suppress it and it just comes out anyway. Every time you come in late for a meeting, stubbornly disagree with everyone around you, or even do an assignment with begrudging defiance, you're revealing your resentment of your authoritarian parent.

Excerpted from Self-Help for Smarties: Secret Success Codes for Weight Loss, Love, Career and Parenting(http://www.penmarin.com/proddetail.asp?prod=Gootnick2&f rom=2) by Irwin Gootnick, M.D. (Penmarin Books http://www.penmarin.com, May 2006).

About the author:

Dr. Irwin Gootnick is an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UC San Francisco Medical Center, has had a private practice in San Francisco since 1967. In addition to his extensive clinical experience, Dr. Gootnick is past director of the Psychiatric Day Center and a noted teacher, author, and lecturer.