Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna
All people want love, then when they get it they become afraid
and start running in the opposite direction. On the one hand,
they want love and to be in a relationship; on the other hand,
they are relieved to get away. It always seems to as if
relationships are difficult; difficult to find, difficult to
keep and difficult to enjoy.
The fundamental truth is there is never a scarcity of
relationships, there is never a scarcity of love. Love is our
natural condition. Why aren't we in it all the time? What is it
that makes us run from the love we are so hungry for? What
drives people from the arms of each other, and what would it
take to keep them there? In order to answer this question, first
we have to understand the difference between Real and
Counterfeit love.
Most of us live with the mirage of love rather than the real
thing. Like a mirage, Counterfeit love is false and can never
bring true satisfaction. Like all mirages, when Counterfeit Love
is seen for what it is, it evaporates, leaving no room the real
thing. No on runs from love that is real; they cannot. It's too
nourishing and too rare. But counterfeit love traps you, scares
you, keeps you on the run.
Counterfeit love gives a mirage of water in the desert, and we
all know that a mirage wont quench your thirst.
Many feelings masquerade as love; dependency, attachment and
possessiveness are just a few. Below I have offered several
touchstones to love, which are touchstones to help you separate
counterfeit love from the real thing. To begin, we will first
look at some needs and patterns inside people that keeps them
from really being with the other people, and potential mates, in
front of them.
Waiting For The Perfect Partner
Many people have a secret fantasy which whispers that a perfect
partner is somewhere, waiting for them. This perfect partner
will not only accept them fully as they express the parts of
themselves that are hidden, but will also bring out the best in
them. Rather than criticize, demean and demand from them, the
partner will give unconditionally and fulfill his/her needs.
Fantasy should not be discounted, as it constitutes much of life.
Touchstone 1
Rather than looking for perfection outside of yourself by
seeking another, find the perfection in yourself right now. List
five things you accept and like about yourself.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Add to this list everyday. Focus upon what is good in yourself,
and the parts you don't like will fade away. No other person can
make you whole. In order to find your perfect partner, you must
become what it is you want to find.
Touchstone 2
Some use the quest for a perfect mate as a way to rejected and
avoid being with the real people who come into our lives now. It
is a way of avoiding fears that we may have of relationships.
See if that is what you are doing. Is it safer to have a fantasy
than a real flesh and blood person to build a life with?
Answer the following questions. What are the advantages to
having a relationship? How will it improve your life? List as
many as you can think of.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
What are the disadvantages to having a relationship? How will it
affect your live negatively? List as many as you can think of.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
In order to resolve any concerns you have about relationships,
you first must be aware and understand of them. Now that you
have made your lists, please examine the disadvantages. Fantasy
is a way of avoiding confronting such feelings. They must not be
discounted, and you should ponder them closely. They constitute
important obstacles standing in your way of having the
relationship you desire. With this new awareness, you are now
enabled to begin to resolve these concerns.
Touchstone 3
How to deal with people who are waiting for the perfect mate.
Be aware when a person is seeking an image, know that you will
never perfectly fill that bill. Be who you are. Don't turn
yourself into someone you think he/she will enjoy. They will
know what you are doing, lose respect, run away.
Be warm and caring. Touch your mate softly. Don't reject his/her
fantasies. If he/she is a person who is controlled by his peer
group, see if you fit into his/her group image? For some people,
the perfect person is stable, without too much passion. For
others, it's just the opposite. Find out who the person is. If
you do not fit his/her image, say good-bye, don't conform.
Realize that everything changes. What seems perfect one day will
seem flawed the next. Examine your feelings about yourself, the
ways in which you feel imperfect. Work on these issues directly;
Another person can never complete something you are lacking
within. See if your desire for perfection is simply a way of
avoiding falling from love. It is easier to focus on what is
wrong with a person than on what is right? Make a practice of
finding everything that is right about all the people you meet,
day after day. This will bring you an entirely new perception of
people and of life. Accept your own flaws, do not judge them.
The more you love and accept yourself, the more perfect others
will seem.
Rather than look down upon others, make an effort to focus upon
their beauty and goodness. Even if he/she isn't the right one
for you, you can train yourself to find reality positive and
comforting.
About the author:
Dr. Brenda Shoshanna Ph.D. is a Psychologist and award winning
author whose self help books have been published in over 13
languages. Her new ebook, Save Your Relationship, teaches you
the 21 basic laws of successful relationships. It shows you how
to heal a broken relationship, and how to build health and
happiness with your significant other. Download it now:
http://www.truthaboutlove.com
